Granny Rant
Friday, August 08, 2003
:::Breaking News ::: TSA Has Solved Airline Screening Problems :::

According to Homeland Security Officials, terrorists have have become more sophisticated
in their efforts to kill unsuspecting (asleep at the wheel, off the farm/cabbage truck)
Americans and have begun modifying ordinary objects for their terror plots. These
everyday obects would not normally set off alarm bells, but screeners have stepped
up efforts.

According to a high placed source (who refused to be identified), the scandal recently
discovered in senate/congressional hearings referring to the fact that there were
still a high number of screeners with felonies on their records. This revelation
has proved an embarrassment to DHS and the Bush Administration has threatened to
take away their video games if the employees of DHS do not begin to perform better,
i.e., thoroughly search more grannies, moms and anyone who looks suspicious.

TSA has high hopes the terror threats will be lessened now that screeners know they
simply must check even ordinary items. One example would be fruit. One
anonymous source said, "Just think, an ordinary looking citizen, and yes, even
my mother, could use a banana as a weapon by sticking it in the back of a flight
attendant and could probably take over the plane in this simple fashion. The public
can rest assured, weare on the case and they can relax."

Investigators have compiled a list of suspicious items and have added them to the list
for screeners to take a second look. But the most exciting new ideas came from Dir.
Tom Ridge:

Moments ago, TSA announced the latest in high tech screening solutions for America's
Terror weary flyers. Based on recommendations from the director of Homeland Security,
a new requirement is to be implemented by next week and is to be incorporated into
all ofAmerica's busy airports.

From now on passengers are required to fly NAKED. Experts think this new
directive will speed up the process and reduce lines at America's busy airports.

When asked for comment, President bush remarked, "Cool,"

Stay tuned for more breaking news ... Granny will be following the implementation of
this new directive with rapt attention.

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